Falling

I know I love you,
But I am just not sure if you still love me too,

You leave me hanging like I am hanging on a cliff,
Ready to fall down to earth and die a painfull death ....

You do not understand where I am coming from,

You are the person where I seemed to have searched for all my life,
And now you are in my reach you are still so far away ...

I had a difficult life so far,
But that all seemd to faid when I looked into your eyes. ..

But now you leave me hanging,
You seem not certain if this is what you want.
If I am what you want.

But whatever your choise is...
Just make sure you know mine ...

I wil love you till the end of days ...
If there is something like reincarnation and I remember you even the slightest bit I will go looking for you .

I will die a thousand death's if it means I could be with you...

But a gazillion other things seem more important in your life ...

And even if everything else is more important that does not matter to me...
you are the one that matters,

You ;re the one that holds my heart ...

Just dont lose your grip or forget that I am hanging on a cliff

Just don't let me fall to the ground ...
Because if you let me fall to the ground ...
I know for sure a big piece of me will die ..

I love you and that is all what matters ....
Please just come back to me ...

So figure out what you want, if it is me or something else out of life ...
But just stop doing this to me ....

It hurts to much to see how unimportant I am
It hurts to damn much....
Like i am already falling and heading for the ground ...
I do not ask for much in life ...
All I ask you is ... Please do not let me fall and hit the ground ...

I love you ...

Thank you for taking care of me

I havent written for a long time
Because I just didn't know how or what I should write

I have been puzzeling and trying to find my way.
I have been lost lately not knowing what I do and what i don't want out of my life

but no matter how lost I get

I know I want to be with you

You can always make me smile,
Even when I would like to just dig a hole crawl into it and die
you make me want to open up,
even tho all I want to do is to crawl in a corner and cry all day long,

I have been sad not knowing what is my fault what happend to me in my life
And what is someone elses

I have been changing my view I had of the world

Sometimes I cry not knowing what I should be thinking or should be feeling,
Or when a feeling shows up out of my past,

When I remember that I opend up,
Like really opend up letting everything down that protected me and I got turned away
When I remember those times all I want to do is cry.... Just cry for what happend and what was

Now i found you I see that I love you
I see that I Miss you when you are not near...

It is weird it is like you are a pièce of me a happy one and that if you are not close to me I don't know where to turn

You are my safe haven,
My harbour where I can just be myself and show my pain without being laughed at or turned away....
Atleast I hope so

I apologize for it that I put that burden on you.....

That I put it on you to help me Guide me through my pain

To help me Find me who I am again
But the better version because you opended my eyes to other ways too perceive
To see myself as a better person...

You once asked if it helpen that you said nice things about me
yes it does,
It is hard to see it but I believe it when you tell me and look deep in too your eyes.
When I look in your eyes I believe I am all those things you say.
And every day I start believing it a little more even if you are not around me and I can't see your eyes, even then I simply believe that you really mean it and believing that makes comes easier to me every day ...... I hope I am not wrong for believing in it ?


You make me a better person
À proud person

But it is hard to find a new way,
Because I can't go back to my old self and old ways I realise that,

But finding a new path is hard and a struggle and that's I what you have seen me do the last few days.....

This is just a message so that everybody can read that I am thankfull that you stick with me even tho it has been hard for me lately ... Even though I have been Sad...

You have been there for me always making me smile,
Always making me laugh
And most Importantly to let me remember what good there is in me which you see,
That you help me remember that there is a reason to love the world Because you are in it, remember that even when I break someone .... Not just someone you Will be there to catch me and hold me... And care that I am Sad.....

I think that that is a important reason why I have been able to cry lately even though I havent been for years.....

I couldn't cry for years Because I knew nobody would care Or that they would be glad I was Crying Because that would mean they had won ....

But Now I know if I cry someone does care .... So Now I met you I can finaly start to heal and better myself.... Because I know you care... or atleast I believe you do

And for that I thank you very much ..... I love you.....

I'm sorry for what I might have done wrong

It is horrible,
When you know that the person you love,

That the person you care about is mad at you or indiffrent.
It is awfull to feel that lost to wonder.....


To just wonder is he still mad,
does he still love me,
am I still worth the things he thought I was worth before,

Because I know I was not worthy of it in the first place.

The thought of what he might be doing can be unbearable...
Did he found someone better then me ...

Because you just know he deserves better
and there are alot of better things out there then you...
you just wonder ...

if he finally found something better to do then waste you time on you...
when they become distant...

But even though these thoughts will keep me up all night...

I somewhere hope that he still loves me....
Still cares ... that the distance I feel is just a illusion..

Or do I just simply miss him so much that I imagine him being disant while he is in fact not...

All I know is that I love him and that he has my heart ...

So for whatever I did wrong ...
I hope that he could find within his heart the strength to forgive ,,,
That he may have sweet dreams tonight....
because I know I will be thinking of him...
and miss him tonight....

love is everything

There was a time when I didn't believe love excisted.
And that if it was out there it would never be meant for me.

That is why I always thought that I would not go and try to find love,
Because if I would find it,
it would only hurt me,
or atleast so I thought

But then there was you,
At first a bit arrogant,
But when I got to know you with the purest heart

When you smile at me I melt away,
But that is not everything you challenge me,
You understand me,
and you say you love me ....

The last one I can just hope for it to be true,
Because for the rest I know for sure,
You are special really one of a kind,

I sometimes even think I found one of the last good guys,

So sometimes I look back uppon the time,
that I did believe in love but not for me in this life time,
But then there was you and you changed everything,


Me loving you changed me,
My life got rearranged,

You are everything to me,
So know that I love you,
And I can just hope you really love me too.

Failure

Now I need you the most you are so far away...
I just need to hear your voice telling me everything will be okay ...
That you still love me,

Right now I don't feel good enough for anybody
And certainly not for you...

You are so amazing, so great ,...

And I,

I am nothing but a failure ...
Someone naggs and bitches when I feel down..

You were right not contacting me when I needed you.
I was in a dark place and I wouldn't have been nice to you.

You only deserve the best ...
I don't want you to see me in a dark place.
See the person I can be at times...

Because you are great and amazing,
Therefore I need to be great and amazing...
Or atleast try to be...
Even though I know I will fail...

Tonight I will be so lonely...
So cold...

Because I feel cold and lonely,
I feel worthless

But you are worth everything so I will keep working,

Keep working, working working, untill I come near to the person you deserve to have ,...

I love you

A piece of me

Sometimes we hit rough patches… But you and I both know it will be fine.

Because whatever we go through we love each other and nothing is stronger than that

I love being with you… And when I am not near you

I feel empty inside,

Like something is missing,

Therefore I need you with me

Because when you’re not with me,

A piece of me is missing…

And not just a piece one of the more brighter parts …

I love you with all my heart…

And you are my heart

Thanks to you I want to be a better person,

Thanks to you I have a reason to love life….

Because life is loving someone and being loved…

And I know for sure that I love you …. 

you dont know how you touched my life....

Today is the day all I can think about is that I want you here

Need you here …

I want to hear the sound of your voice, feel your arms wrapped around me during the night .. Because that Is the only way I can sleep..

Because I know you’re the only one who will keep me safe… or at least I hope you will

Now I know the time is coming near you cannot be as much around me as before it hurts.

You’re the only thing I really want to have. And I need you beside me every night

Because I think I finally found the place where I can finally find some peace.

But that place is with you

So at the times you’re not with me the peace and the love is gone…

And I miss you every second when you’re not near..  

So be here whenever you can with me your arms wrapped around me holding me tight…

So know that wherever I am .. wherever I go your always welcome to be with me..

You always welcome to just walk in… I would never mind… I would just love to see your face

So come to my place whenever you can.. because without you it isn’t home

Because for me you are my home as soon you wrap your arms around me

It doesn’t matter where.. It the only place I want to be

So come back here soon… so I can be home again…

I miss you…. And I hope that I really am right with what I think about you.

That you will keep me save…

I think I found my destiny with you but I just hope I am not wrong…

I love you wherever you are

But be aware. .. I got hurt enough…

I am not the easiest person to be around with and I realize that…

But whenever I am putting you through hardship .. know I trust you not to hurt me…

Because for that I am still afraid…

So keep my trust and don’t hurt me please..

Because I have been hurt enough… and I can’t bear any more pain for a while …

Just know whenever I am being hard to be around

That I love you and that you have my heart…

I hope that makes it easier to put up with me…

When I am trying to become the person you want…

Just give it time… Because I love you for real so try to stick around…

Therefore please be patient with me so I can show how much…

I love you, trust you, have faith in you and want to be with you … 

guardian angel

Everybody needs someone on the journey they desire to take, everybody needs a guardian angel so to speak.

My last post went about the journey I am going to take, and the changes I want to make. But nobody can do something like that alone nobody is able to bear such heavy weight on their shoulders and get through it alone.

That’s why I blog to tell my story, so I don’t have to think that nobody will be listening. Yes I have a handful of people who love me. They aren’t with many but a handful is enough. But those people do not always understand me. Let alone that they can apprehend what I am trying to do or sadly enough some of them wouldn’t even want to hear what keeps my mind occupied. 

It is already hard to change yourself, but it is even harder when you do it for the people you love and you can see in those people that they don’t approve of you taking on such assignment. When you are trying to conquer some of your demons. 

So instead of figuring out which one would and would not approve of the road I am taking I decided to save myself a lot of heartache and just not tell anybody about it. So I don’t need to confront myself with the fact that a person I thought cared about me actually don’t.

The people who know that I am trying to better myself, know it because I trust them. But that is all they ever will know the fact I want to change, I won’t bug them with the details or how I would try to achieve anything of it.

And to be honest it is a little self-preservation as well. What if they could care less about what you’re doing. That would be hard to bear.

So that’s why I decide to battle my own demons. On my own with nobody at my side. To keep the ones that might give a damn safe from myself and the changes and hardship I am going through I don’t want to put it on their already full and difficult lives.

Because  I love them I will protect them even if that means protect them from myself…

So I will battle my demons on my own… with always one person in particular in mind why I am doing it alone and why I am changing…. You know I love you and I am trying to become a better person for you .. because you only deserve the best ….