Falling

I know I love you,
But I am just not sure if you still love me too,

You leave me hanging like I am hanging on a cliff,
Ready to fall down to earth and die a painfull death ....

You do not understand where I am coming from,

You are the person where I seemed to have searched for all my life,
And now you are in my reach you are still so far away ...

I had a difficult life so far,
But that all seemd to faid when I looked into your eyes. ..

But now you leave me hanging,
You seem not certain if this is what you want.
If I am what you want.

But whatever your choise is...
Just make sure you know mine ...

I wil love you till the end of days ...
If there is something like reincarnation and I remember you even the slightest bit I will go looking for you .

I will die a thousand death's if it means I could be with you...

But a gazillion other things seem more important in your life ...

And even if everything else is more important that does not matter to me...
you are the one that matters,

You ;re the one that holds my heart ...

Just dont lose your grip or forget that I am hanging on a cliff

Just don't let me fall to the ground ...
Because if you let me fall to the ground ...
I know for sure a big piece of me will die ..

I love you and that is all what matters ....
Please just come back to me ...

So figure out what you want, if it is me or something else out of life ...
But just stop doing this to me ....

It hurts to much to see how unimportant I am
It hurts to damn much....
Like i am already falling and heading for the ground ...
I do not ask for much in life ...
All I ask you is ... Please do not let me fall and hit the ground ...

I love you ...

Not good enough

What I will be writing right now is very different then I usually write. This time I will be writing about my worries because right now I am very worried and annoyed so I had to write it down to be able to handle it… Because right now at this point I am just mad, sad and lonely

Being with you everything is always perfect… I love being with you more then I love to be anywhere else in the world.. But there is always one negative downside…. 

Parents I am worrying that you’re parents thing I am not good enough… and worrying that my parents think I am not smart enough to make my own choices (knowing that one of the choices I made is to be with you… nothing will change that because I am very happy with that choice)… worrying about my parents not letting me go and making the one good thing I have in my life … being you…. Very hard to enjoy…

 My mother suddenly out of the nowhere started complaining that I wasn’t answering her questions but I was …. And now she isn’t texting back so I assume she is mad or something like that…

It is just annoying how it seems that I can’t do anything right with anybody. Everybody wants me to make different choices, have another opinion… be more like that other person… Or basicly everybody wants me to be someone else…

And I tried I tried to be what everybody asked me I changed and changed… over and over again. But nothing ever seems enough. No matter how hard I try how much I change there is always something else they think is not right. Or not how they want it to be…

But nobody ever asks me to be just me … Because no matter how much flaws I have ( yes I have many flaws) they will still love me anyhow …

But that is not how the world works everybody wants me to change ,

And it is driving me crazy !!

Why doesn’t anyone accept me the way I am.. A bitchy person, with a little heart, who will be loyal to everybody who just loves her … who deserve my trust …

But no there is always something wrong with me and no matter how hard I try…

Everybody around me will be trying harder to find my faults…

And they will succeed because I have my faults a lot of them…

So I am going crazy …. I just wished I could talk to you right now because you always know the right thing to say….

But I can’t reach you at the moment…

So now I will just be going crazy …

And hope that I won’t lash out and hurt someone I love

Because everybody  deserves the best of me no matter if they keep throwing my faults in my face…

I hope I can talk to you soon so I can calm down and find my peace again…

And feel at my place again …. 

I will wait for you

I dont know why,
I dont know how,

But you stayed away from me today,
Not only physically but emotional aswell.

And that hurts me deep inside,
I love you,
I wish you would just talk to me.

Need me like I need you..
But I am starting to doubt that you will ever need me the same way...

Therefore I will say to you...
It hurts me that you stay away,
And chose too not talk too me

But I know you will have your reasons..
As I always have my reasons for doing things,
I just wished you tried to make me understand.

I wont judge you I love you...

So whenever you decide you want to talk again I am just a phone call away...

Because I do need you and do want you in my life.
Therefore because I realise you need some space right now I will give you what you need..

But please do remember whenever you decide you want to speak to me,
Or want me,


I will be here.

crossroads

Today I have been working to let all the pain go…

I think I am on the right track of the road I need to walk on..

But “two steps forward is one step back is the saying.”

And that Is certainly true

Because I work as hard as I can to let my past go… But is hard enough

Now sometimes I am confronted by someone else’s past and of course in that past are things I dislike as well..

Or dislike is the wrong word…. Is hard to hear or hard to handle that is a better description of how I feel.

But you can’t judge someone by his or her past,… Then there is no walking forward with that person.

Therefore when that happens and you end up on that crossroad.

There is a choice you have to make..

The first option being you decide his/her past is too hard to deal with or to be confronted with .. and therefore you don’t believe him/her on his/ her word then the only option is and take my advice when you’re in that situation split up… You will never get over it if you don’t love him/ her enough all you guys will do is fight about everything especially the things you can’t get past…

The second option is, talk about everything and make sure that way everything is out in the open… Never lie about anything… because that will badger the trust the people who asked you the question irreversible, and from that point there is no turning back you had your chance.

 So be honest and open when you want and give answers then that is the only way. For me this is the best option because I really am a person who is attached to the truth.. And I can’t live with unanswered questions and not knowing therefore I ask a lot of questions… and even though I see it is hard for the other party sometime… As long they tell the truth and think I am worth it there is no problem… And if there is any pain at the other side by telling you these truths respect them that they are honest because that is what you asked for those answers… Therefore and that is the tricky part NEVER be mad if they tell you the truth because that is not what they deserve…  They are opening up to you most of the time at a big personal cost and if you then go whining and sulking about the fact that it is unfair they won’t ever tell you the truth again… And that is their good right.. So when you ask for questions don’t be pissed at the answers … (unless you find out he/ she lied ofcourse)

Then of course there is a third option… Stop being so difficult if you can put it behind you with knowing as less as possible, what you don’t know can’t hurt you… so let the past be the past and judge the present… I wish I had it in me to be that way…

So I am on the right track but like I said still a long way to go…

Thank god the people I care for answer my questions even if it is at a big personal cost (or at least I think they do… and I hope their truthful…)

I hope that the people I care for understand this story and understand where I am coming from.

And like I asked so many times before already be patience with me… I can’t help it…

I am doing the best I can…

But it is hard to be confronted by things….

But then you have to make a choice….

And I made mine …

I choose the path of love… even if it comes with pain sometimes…

I pick you….  So be  truthful please that is the only thing I ask for (and of course the patience)

And now I picked for you I will go all the way ..  So be aware where you stepped into :P

I won’t let you go anymore. .. 

Sadness,

Today my past catched up with me
And i couldnt hold on anymore...
Thankfully there was someone to catch me at that time...
Which i never expected anyone would...

But it took his tole...
My sadness went but in place came the loneliness

The person who caught me couldn’t bear the power of the holes in my soul…

And he sees his mistake with me …

That I am to damaged to hurt to be able to be normal..

Therefore I’m to fragile even though I mostly pretend to be this strong powerful women.

But actually all I need is to heal…

Someone to help me heal…

But at this pace I don’t think it ever will happen.

So once again I will pretend to be powerful and strong willed..

Lift my head up high… And walk through life like I have everything under control…

While loneliness comes over me and slowely eats me up at the inside….

lingering thoughts

This is my first time ever that I do anything like this, write my feelings down. I never had much faith in writing, everyone could read it if they found your diary… but a blog is something else people can read it can think about it and react on what you have to say without ever having to know the real you… that makes it so much easier…

I will talk in my blog about everything pain in the past in the present. Happiness found and lost, everything that could occur in everybody’s life. So basically my blog will be the place to vent for me and talk about my day or whatnot… 

What kept me busy in my mind these past few weeks and days is the way of life. The way we don’t seem able to keep the people we love close, that we find happiness and it is taken away every time. Or that we have happiness right in front of us and don’t recognize it is there until it’s too late. That is how human nature seems to work.

 And it is simply a lie if we say it’s not hard to deal with life. Everybody at some point in their life find themselves at the point that it’s hard to get out of bed and do the simplest things. But what I keep in mind to get myself through this is the fact that after rain has to come sunshine… Yes I know it sounds like a cliché but what works that works and why look further into it right ?

These last few days I’m doing better than I have in a long time after a lot of stress…  But there is something that is still lingering on my mind…. 

So much has happened in my life… if something would happen right now I wouldn’t be able to bare it anymore… Sometimes at some moments I think I found my happiness with someone… but at others I know I didn’t find it quite yet. 

He is at the point he just (to my opinion at the very least) is not ready to let go of the past yet…. And I understand that if there is someone you loved so much it still hurt even a year later and even will hurt 15 years later…. But the problem is I don’t know if he can ever let it go more than he has already right now… and I don’t even know if I will be able to deal with that… I think I will be able to because I understands how he feels … but it’s not easy knowing the person you love still loves someone else … it’s understandable but that’s all you can say about it …

I already can hear some people thinking how could you understand he still loves someone else. Now let me explain it to you…. Everybody has a life before they find someone… he had a life before he found me… And the stuff he went through loving someone else losing that person made him who he is today… So how can I hate the fact that he loved her? I can’t… because that makes him who he is this very day, and the reason I love him is how he is today… And how could I blame him for still loving someone he gave his heart to… that just means he can’t let go and that he is the most loving person you will ever find… because I wouldn’t be able to love someone that much after the broke my heart…

But still it’s not easy to deal with or to be confronted with…. And you don’t know how you can do without that person and you don’t know how to make that person happy because you can’t help him letting go…. And now I don’t know what to say anymore so I will let it go for now.. or try to because it always stays on my thoughts…