I'm sorry for what I might have done wrong

It is horrible,
When you know that the person you love,

That the person you care about is mad at you or indiffrent.
It is awfull to feel that lost to wonder.....


To just wonder is he still mad,
does he still love me,
am I still worth the things he thought I was worth before,

Because I know I was not worthy of it in the first place.

The thought of what he might be doing can be unbearable...
Did he found someone better then me ...

Because you just know he deserves better
and there are alot of better things out there then you...
you just wonder ...

if he finally found something better to do then waste you time on you...
when they become distant...

But even though these thoughts will keep me up all night...

I somewhere hope that he still loves me....
Still cares ... that the distance I feel is just a illusion..

Or do I just simply miss him so much that I imagine him being disant while he is in fact not...

All I know is that I love him and that he has my heart ...

So for whatever I did wrong ...
I hope that he could find within his heart the strength to forgive ,,,
That he may have sweet dreams tonight....
because I know I will be thinking of him...
and miss him tonight....

at a lose

I am at a lose for words...
At a lose for speech like I never knew how to forms words,

At a lose of thoughts,
Because I am drowning in so many thoughts I cant form one clear thought in my mind.

At lose of the meaning of the word beautiful.
but when I look at you I remember again, what  it means...

I am at a lose of save keeping.
But when you are around your arms around me hold me save.
Your my rock in the storm.
No matter how hard the wind will blow,

I am at a lose of security and protection of myself,
But I don't need  too protect myself anymore
because you will be there for me ...

You promised me ...

And I will hold you to that promise as long as I will life,
Unless it wont serve your happiness,
Because your happiness will always be the first and most important thing to me!
So know your my everything.
Therefore I give you everything I am and everything I ever will be
Because you are all worth it,
even if you one day would decide you don't want it anymore..

But untill then I am yours.

I will wait for you

I dont know why,
I dont know how,

But you stayed away from me today,
Not only physically but emotional aswell.

And that hurts me deep inside,
I love you,
I wish you would just talk to me.

Need me like I need you..
But I am starting to doubt that you will ever need me the same way...

Therefore I will say to you...
It hurts me that you stay away,
And chose too not talk too me

But I know you will have your reasons..
As I always have my reasons for doing things,
I just wished you tried to make me understand.

I wont judge you I love you...

So whenever you decide you want to talk again I am just a phone call away...

Because I do need you and do want you in my life.
Therefore because I realise you need some space right now I will give you what you need..

But please do remember whenever you decide you want to speak to me,
Or want me,


I will be here.

lingering thoughts

This is my first time ever that I do anything like this, write my feelings down. I never had much faith in writing, everyone could read it if they found your diary… but a blog is something else people can read it can think about it and react on what you have to say without ever having to know the real you… that makes it so much easier…

I will talk in my blog about everything pain in the past in the present. Happiness found and lost, everything that could occur in everybody’s life. So basically my blog will be the place to vent for me and talk about my day or whatnot… 

What kept me busy in my mind these past few weeks and days is the way of life. The way we don’t seem able to keep the people we love close, that we find happiness and it is taken away every time. Or that we have happiness right in front of us and don’t recognize it is there until it’s too late. That is how human nature seems to work.

 And it is simply a lie if we say it’s not hard to deal with life. Everybody at some point in their life find themselves at the point that it’s hard to get out of bed and do the simplest things. But what I keep in mind to get myself through this is the fact that after rain has to come sunshine… Yes I know it sounds like a cliché but what works that works and why look further into it right ?

These last few days I’m doing better than I have in a long time after a lot of stress…  But there is something that is still lingering on my mind…. 

So much has happened in my life… if something would happen right now I wouldn’t be able to bare it anymore… Sometimes at some moments I think I found my happiness with someone… but at others I know I didn’t find it quite yet. 

He is at the point he just (to my opinion at the very least) is not ready to let go of the past yet…. And I understand that if there is someone you loved so much it still hurt even a year later and even will hurt 15 years later…. But the problem is I don’t know if he can ever let it go more than he has already right now… and I don’t even know if I will be able to deal with that… I think I will be able to because I understands how he feels … but it’s not easy knowing the person you love still loves someone else … it’s understandable but that’s all you can say about it …

I already can hear some people thinking how could you understand he still loves someone else. Now let me explain it to you…. Everybody has a life before they find someone… he had a life before he found me… And the stuff he went through loving someone else losing that person made him who he is today… So how can I hate the fact that he loved her? I can’t… because that makes him who he is this very day, and the reason I love him is how he is today… And how could I blame him for still loving someone he gave his heart to… that just means he can’t let go and that he is the most loving person you will ever find… because I wouldn’t be able to love someone that much after the broke my heart…

But still it’s not easy to deal with or to be confronted with…. And you don’t know how you can do without that person and you don’t know how to make that person happy because you can’t help him letting go…. And now I don’t know what to say anymore so I will let it go for now.. or try to because it always stays on my thoughts…