Thank you for taking care of me

I havent written for a long time
Because I just didn't know how or what I should write

I have been puzzeling and trying to find my way.
I have been lost lately not knowing what I do and what i don't want out of my life

but no matter how lost I get

I know I want to be with you

You can always make me smile,
Even when I would like to just dig a hole crawl into it and die
you make me want to open up,
even tho all I want to do is to crawl in a corner and cry all day long,

I have been sad not knowing what is my fault what happend to me in my life
And what is someone elses

I have been changing my view I had of the world

Sometimes I cry not knowing what I should be thinking or should be feeling,
Or when a feeling shows up out of my past,

When I remember that I opend up,
Like really opend up letting everything down that protected me and I got turned away
When I remember those times all I want to do is cry.... Just cry for what happend and what was

Now i found you I see that I love you
I see that I Miss you when you are not near...

It is weird it is like you are a pièce of me a happy one and that if you are not close to me I don't know where to turn

You are my safe haven,
My harbour where I can just be myself and show my pain without being laughed at or turned away....
Atleast I hope so

I apologize for it that I put that burden on you.....

That I put it on you to help me Guide me through my pain

To help me Find me who I am again
But the better version because you opended my eyes to other ways too perceive
To see myself as a better person...

You once asked if it helpen that you said nice things about me
yes it does,
It is hard to see it but I believe it when you tell me and look deep in too your eyes.
When I look in your eyes I believe I am all those things you say.
And every day I start believing it a little more even if you are not around me and I can't see your eyes, even then I simply believe that you really mean it and believing that makes comes easier to me every day ...... I hope I am not wrong for believing in it ?


You make me a better person
À proud person

But it is hard to find a new way,
Because I can't go back to my old self and old ways I realise that,

But finding a new path is hard and a struggle and that's I what you have seen me do the last few days.....

This is just a message so that everybody can read that I am thankfull that you stick with me even tho it has been hard for me lately ... Even though I have been Sad...

You have been there for me always making me smile,
Always making me laugh
And most Importantly to let me remember what good there is in me which you see,
That you help me remember that there is a reason to love the world Because you are in it, remember that even when I break someone .... Not just someone you Will be there to catch me and hold me... And care that I am Sad.....

I think that that is a important reason why I have been able to cry lately even though I havent been for years.....

I couldn't cry for years Because I knew nobody would care Or that they would be glad I was Crying Because that would mean they had won ....

But Now I know if I cry someone does care .... So Now I met you I can finaly start to heal and better myself.... Because I know you care... or atleast I believe you do

And for that I thank you very much ..... I love you.....

lingering thoughts

This is my first time ever that I do anything like this, write my feelings down. I never had much faith in writing, everyone could read it if they found your diary… but a blog is something else people can read it can think about it and react on what you have to say without ever having to know the real you… that makes it so much easier…

I will talk in my blog about everything pain in the past in the present. Happiness found and lost, everything that could occur in everybody’s life. So basically my blog will be the place to vent for me and talk about my day or whatnot… 

What kept me busy in my mind these past few weeks and days is the way of life. The way we don’t seem able to keep the people we love close, that we find happiness and it is taken away every time. Or that we have happiness right in front of us and don’t recognize it is there until it’s too late. That is how human nature seems to work.

 And it is simply a lie if we say it’s not hard to deal with life. Everybody at some point in their life find themselves at the point that it’s hard to get out of bed and do the simplest things. But what I keep in mind to get myself through this is the fact that after rain has to come sunshine… Yes I know it sounds like a cliché but what works that works and why look further into it right ?

These last few days I’m doing better than I have in a long time after a lot of stress…  But there is something that is still lingering on my mind…. 

So much has happened in my life… if something would happen right now I wouldn’t be able to bare it anymore… Sometimes at some moments I think I found my happiness with someone… but at others I know I didn’t find it quite yet. 

He is at the point he just (to my opinion at the very least) is not ready to let go of the past yet…. And I understand that if there is someone you loved so much it still hurt even a year later and even will hurt 15 years later…. But the problem is I don’t know if he can ever let it go more than he has already right now… and I don’t even know if I will be able to deal with that… I think I will be able to because I understands how he feels … but it’s not easy knowing the person you love still loves someone else … it’s understandable but that’s all you can say about it …

I already can hear some people thinking how could you understand he still loves someone else. Now let me explain it to you…. Everybody has a life before they find someone… he had a life before he found me… And the stuff he went through loving someone else losing that person made him who he is today… So how can I hate the fact that he loved her? I can’t… because that makes him who he is this very day, and the reason I love him is how he is today… And how could I blame him for still loving someone he gave his heart to… that just means he can’t let go and that he is the most loving person you will ever find… because I wouldn’t be able to love someone that much after the broke my heart…

But still it’s not easy to deal with or to be confronted with…. And you don’t know how you can do without that person and you don’t know how to make that person happy because you can’t help him letting go…. And now I don’t know what to say anymore so I will let it go for now.. or try to because it always stays on my thoughts…