love is everything

There was a time when I didn't believe love excisted.
And that if it was out there it would never be meant for me.

That is why I always thought that I would not go and try to find love,
Because if I would find it,
it would only hurt me,
or atleast so I thought

But then there was you,
At first a bit arrogant,
But when I got to know you with the purest heart

When you smile at me I melt away,
But that is not everything you challenge me,
You understand me,
and you say you love me ....

The last one I can just hope for it to be true,
Because for the rest I know for sure,
You are special really one of a kind,

I sometimes even think I found one of the last good guys,

So sometimes I look back uppon the time,
that I did believe in love but not for me in this life time,
But then there was you and you changed everything,


Me loving you changed me,
My life got rearranged,

You are everything to me,
So know that I love you,
And I can just hope you really love me too.

Footsteps

nobody can compare to you..

you are the best person I ever met

You are awesome and very close to perfect…

But you are already perfect for me.

You are great or at least, very close to become what will be great…

Because you are so great you cast a very big shadow,

Therefore everybody stands in your shadow

You are leaving a very big shoe print in my life when you walk in and out daily,

Not only in my life but in everyone’s.

Your shoe print is very big and it will leave an emptiness when you are gone

I will miss you always when you are not near…

And you say that I should do something else with my time when you are not around

Or be busy with someone else

but nobody  will ever be able to fill the footsteps you leave behind,

So as long you are not here …

There will be an emptiness inside of me…

Because you are perfect to me,

You are so great that nobody can compare to how great you are

And nothing, no matter what I do, or who I am with,

Nothing will stop me from missing you, because nobody is good enough compared to you..

And no hobby is nicer than being around you…

You are just so perfect for me 

Sound asleep

Right Now you are asleep
Your eyes closed,

I Cannot fall asleep for soms reasons
And when I do my schadows hunt me

therefore I look at you...
And how you sleep...
That makes the worries in my head go away,
Because I know that when I fall asleep
you are just a reach of the hand away

But for Now I just look at you
And hope you have the best dreams a person can have
Because you deserve a good nights rest...

I wish you the best dreams you can imagine...

And for me I know that,
when I fall asleep,
I Will be save by your Side....

but for Now I Will just be quiet,
And watch you sleep
And hope you get the best dreams

But soon I Will fall asleep at your Side
Because when you are Here I always veel safe

therefore I know it is just a matter of time,
Before I fall asleep in your arms
And at your Side

at a lose

I am at a lose for words...
At a lose for speech like I never knew how to forms words,

At a lose of thoughts,
Because I am drowning in so many thoughts I cant form one clear thought in my mind.

At lose of the meaning of the word beautiful.
but when I look at you I remember again, what  it means...

I am at a lose of save keeping.
But when you are around your arms around me hold me save.
Your my rock in the storm.
No matter how hard the wind will blow,

I am at a lose of security and protection of myself,
But I don't need  too protect myself anymore
because you will be there for me ...

You promised me ...

And I will hold you to that promise as long as I will life,
Unless it wont serve your happiness,
Because your happiness will always be the first and most important thing to me!
So know your my everything.
Therefore I give you everything I am and everything I ever will be
Because you are all worth it,
even if you one day would decide you don't want it anymore..

But untill then I am yours.

Realization

Today I came to the realization..
It was a big one and a difficult one to realize and admit for someone like me...

I realized something that has been lingering for quiet some time now ...
You could say I have known all along,
And when i look back at the past i would need to agree..

It is just that i wasn't ready to face it...
Don't get me wrong I didn't shove it away on purpose,

I think that is the self preservation I had build up.
Therefore I have been breaking it down lately.
And i happy I did

Because now i realize that i need you,
cant live my life without you,
Wont even live my life without you if i could,
Because i wouldn't want to.

I need you by my side.
Close to me.
To hear your voice night and day.

And when I cant have you with me night and day i will cry,
For having to miss you another day.

Therefore I hope in my heart that you know...
I realize I love you.

And I hope that you realize that i don't see a live without you anymore...
I belong to you and if your not around there is simply nothing left in my life,

Then the only thing that ever made me happy and made me smile would be ripped away,
So realize I love you and belong to you as long my heart will beat,
As long as I breath air,
I will be forever yours,
Because when you would leave there simply wont be anything left.

Just that moment counts

With the sunrise came your smile,

And as long nobody is around everything is fine... 

Then your mine world and I am (i think) yours,

But when somebody else is around it is another story,

Then i feel so insignificant at times ...

Therefore i sometimes think there is no point of being close,

Because you have other things on your mind,

But i cant let go of  you because your so perfect.. 

So perfect for me and i never want to let you go...

Therefore even when I feel so small,

So shattered and at a lose for words,

I know I want to be with you,

And i hope you will notice me soon when i am around ,

Wrap your arms around me and tell me everything will be fine ...

And no matter what moment, no matter what time ... 

As long you wrap your arms around me 

Everything will be fine ... 

So remember this trick because it will serve you well... 

If you want me happy just give me a smile ... 

But as soon as the moon rises in the night sky.. 

It all doesn't matter ... 

No matter how small i felt, or how insignificant.

If you wrap your arms around me,

Everything what hurt or shattered me i will forget,

Only that moment with your arms around me,

Nothing else but that moment matters at that point...

Therefore nothing what happened before that moment counts...

If you wrap your arms around me and smile towards me and say goodnight..

only then i can close my eyes in peace 

Because i know you will be watching over me tonight ...

flying

Everybody wants to just take of and fly away,
Leave all their problems behind.
So that is what i am doing..

Taking of to a new horizon.
Flying towards a new dream and a new destiny

 So let’s just take of an fly away…

Towards something better

Towards something new

And most importantly towards you

So i will fly towards you,

So whenever you look at the sky you will see me coming

Because i am flying their high up in the sky

Away from all the problems,

away from all the mess,

Towards a new dream

A new destiny 

And my own happy end.

my wil

My will has been my treasure,
the one who kept me save...

The thing that build me up,
when someone had broken me down.

But now i need to stop depending on my wil
because it only will hurt me,
even though it kept me safe for a long time.

Now there is something better,
now there is you,
And i need to pick hold on to the old and familiar road.
Or make a new path,
because holding on to my old ways will just hurt you and me both..

So i will pick you.. And let go of my safe familiar ways...

But i know it will all be worth it because your a guy everybody dreams of all their life..
And i will even give you my life if that is required..
Therefore i will hold you tight and not let you go again.

Almost Christmas...

It is almost Christmas... So i decided to whoever is listening to my story to wish you the best Christmas you can think of..

Be happy , be loved, live life, and be a bright spot in the heaven and shine your light that evening on who ever you love.

What i will do on Christmas is still unclear...
I think there are alot of options but not every option is as good as another...

So i still have to pick...

But i hope whatever i pick it is the right choice...
So i wont have any regrets..!
Because that would be just awful,

And i hope whatever I pick it is a place I will be welcome and will be able to be myself...
So i don't have to worry and can be the best person I can be and that for who ever is near me they would like to have me there so they have a great Christmas too!!

To make it a nice Christmas for whom ever who is near to me ...
Because Christmas is the time for hope, dreams and love.
And since i have been having alot of dreams ...
I hope one more comes true ... that everybody that is important to me has the best Christmas ever...

So to everybody who i love or who reads this blog a happy Christmas and make the most of it!

And to that one special person who holds my heart... be happy and feel my love wherever i am with this Holiday... Know that i love you and will be thinking of you ever second !!
And that whenever you will be wrapping your arms around me i will be happy, and it will be the best time ever and that  i will be home ...

Have a nice Christmas!!

Wrong assumptions

Everybody who knows me knows I make a lot of assumptions… and it annoys the crap out of most people…

But I don’t assume anything to be happy about it because mostly the things I assume aren’t good.. but usually put a bright light on everything that could be wrong or bad.

I know not everybody deserves my wrong assumptions.. but I can’t help it.

Since I have been hurt so much by lies and gossip. I just need to know the truth

And if that means making my own truth or believe what I think because that person wont enlighten me what is really the truth I will have to believe in my assumptions… That is what I promised myself..

Only that way I wouldn’t be hurt anymore by the not knowing the truth or lies I make myself believe the worst because,

That only means it could turn out better than I thought.

You have to understand I wasn’t always like that I didn’t always assume the worst or the most dark side of people…

But once upon a time a long time ago it seems like a fairytale so far away …

I wasn’t like that .. I believed in the good..

I believed in the good of people and that they were truthfully to me

But that is a long time ago…

All that changed because people kept lying and badgering my good faith in them.

And a long long time ago I reached a point I couldn’t take it anymore and started to fill in the worst possibilities so it could only be better than I thought and that I couldn’t get hurt.

So I didn’t have to fear, be in in pain or distrust the truths people told me …

But you just might be that person who could change that part in me … As soon as I know you always tell the truth…

Because when I can trust your truthful I can rest my head in your arms and stop fighting the world..

Everybody should know how much I need to rest… it is like I haven’t rested in ages.

Like I have been running for my life and haven’t been able to stop.

Like I felt from one pain in the other, broke down build everything up again and as soon I was standing someone else would come along to break it down again.

But I am starting to get faith. Faith in the fact that you won’t break me down.

Every time you kiss me, every time you hold me tight. I just hope I am right because if I am wrong I will be shattered in so many pieces I don’t know if I would be ever able to fix myself then….

So know that every kiss, every touch, every word matters to me.. I opened up to you ..

Because I couldn’t stop it to let you in… Because my love for you is as bright as the sun shines on the brightest days….

But I see now that I hurt you with my wrong assumptions… and everybody else too… so it is selfish to keep protecting myself that way… I will try to change that because your worth everything… But just know I have been that way as long I can remember… But for you I will change… Do the one thing I promised myself to never do… I will be vulnerable again… Because your worth it

So when I change for you, because I want to take the change with you.. and not be so selfish anymore to just protect myself to protect my heart… Just know I don’t want to mess this up..

Remember that every time I make a mistake, or be hurtful towards you.

You want me to be the best I can.. To become a better person..

But that won’t happen with a lot of bumps in the roads and fights…

Just know that you touched my life in so many ways I cant describe.

You could just be the one I have been waiting for my whole life.. 

Or to be truthful I am past that stage I know you have been what I have been waiting for my whole life… so be patient with me …. And don’t say goodbye… Stay at my side…

Let me stay at your side the rest of my life.. Because I want to be with you. You’re a piece of me …

So know wherever you are… wherever we are in our life’s… I am still here for you…

Because I love you and always will..

you dont know how you touched my life....

Today is the day all I can think about is that I want you here

Need you here …

I want to hear the sound of your voice, feel your arms wrapped around me during the night .. Because that Is the only way I can sleep..

Because I know you’re the only one who will keep me safe… or at least I hope you will

Now I know the time is coming near you cannot be as much around me as before it hurts.

You’re the only thing I really want to have. And I need you beside me every night

Because I think I finally found the place where I can finally find some peace.

But that place is with you

So at the times you’re not with me the peace and the love is gone…

And I miss you every second when you’re not near..  

So be here whenever you can with me your arms wrapped around me holding me tight…

So know that wherever I am .. wherever I go your always welcome to be with me..

You always welcome to just walk in… I would never mind… I would just love to see your face

So come to my place whenever you can.. because without you it isn’t home

Because for me you are my home as soon you wrap your arms around me

It doesn’t matter where.. It the only place I want to be

So come back here soon… so I can be home again…

I miss you…. And I hope that I really am right with what I think about you.

That you will keep me save…

I think I found my destiny with you but I just hope I am not wrong…

I love you wherever you are

But be aware. .. I got hurt enough…

I am not the easiest person to be around with and I realize that…

But whenever I am putting you through hardship .. know I trust you not to hurt me…

Because for that I am still afraid…

So keep my trust and don’t hurt me please..

Because I have been hurt enough… and I can’t bear any more pain for a while …

Just know whenever I am being hard to be around

That I love you and that you have my heart…

I hope that makes it easier to put up with me…

When I am trying to become the person you want…

Just give it time… Because I love you for real so try to stick around…

Therefore please be patient with me so I can show how much…

I love you, trust you, have faith in you and want to be with you … 

guardian angel

Everybody needs someone on the journey they desire to take, everybody needs a guardian angel so to speak.

My last post went about the journey I am going to take, and the changes I want to make. But nobody can do something like that alone nobody is able to bear such heavy weight on their shoulders and get through it alone.

That’s why I blog to tell my story, so I don’t have to think that nobody will be listening. Yes I have a handful of people who love me. They aren’t with many but a handful is enough. But those people do not always understand me. Let alone that they can apprehend what I am trying to do or sadly enough some of them wouldn’t even want to hear what keeps my mind occupied. 

It is already hard to change yourself, but it is even harder when you do it for the people you love and you can see in those people that they don’t approve of you taking on such assignment. When you are trying to conquer some of your demons. 

So instead of figuring out which one would and would not approve of the road I am taking I decided to save myself a lot of heartache and just not tell anybody about it. So I don’t need to confront myself with the fact that a person I thought cared about me actually don’t.

The people who know that I am trying to better myself, know it because I trust them. But that is all they ever will know the fact I want to change, I won’t bug them with the details or how I would try to achieve anything of it.

And to be honest it is a little self-preservation as well. What if they could care less about what you’re doing. That would be hard to bear.

So that’s why I decide to battle my own demons. On my own with nobody at my side. To keep the ones that might give a damn safe from myself and the changes and hardship I am going through I don’t want to put it on their already full and difficult lives.

Because  I love them I will protect them even if that means protect them from myself…

So I will battle my demons on my own… with always one person in particular in mind why I am doing it alone and why I am changing…. You know I love you and I am trying to become a better person for you .. because you only deserve the best ….