Falling

I know I love you,
But I am just not sure if you still love me too,

You leave me hanging like I am hanging on a cliff,
Ready to fall down to earth and die a painfull death ....

You do not understand where I am coming from,

You are the person where I seemed to have searched for all my life,
And now you are in my reach you are still so far away ...

I had a difficult life so far,
But that all seemd to faid when I looked into your eyes. ..

But now you leave me hanging,
You seem not certain if this is what you want.
If I am what you want.

But whatever your choise is...
Just make sure you know mine ...

I wil love you till the end of days ...
If there is something like reincarnation and I remember you even the slightest bit I will go looking for you .

I will die a thousand death's if it means I could be with you...

But a gazillion other things seem more important in your life ...

And even if everything else is more important that does not matter to me...
you are the one that matters,

You ;re the one that holds my heart ...

Just dont lose your grip or forget that I am hanging on a cliff

Just don't let me fall to the ground ...
Because if you let me fall to the ground ...
I know for sure a big piece of me will die ..

I love you and that is all what matters ....
Please just come back to me ...

So figure out what you want, if it is me or something else out of life ...
But just stop doing this to me ....

It hurts to much to see how unimportant I am
It hurts to damn much....
Like i am already falling and heading for the ground ...
I do not ask for much in life ...
All I ask you is ... Please do not let me fall and hit the ground ...

I love you ...

Failure

Now I need you the most you are so far away...
I just need to hear your voice telling me everything will be okay ...
That you still love me,

Right now I don't feel good enough for anybody
And certainly not for you...

You are so amazing, so great ,...

And I,

I am nothing but a failure ...
Someone naggs and bitches when I feel down..

You were right not contacting me when I needed you.
I was in a dark place and I wouldn't have been nice to you.

You only deserve the best ...
I don't want you to see me in a dark place.
See the person I can be at times...

Because you are great and amazing,
Therefore I need to be great and amazing...
Or atleast try to be...
Even though I know I will fail...

Tonight I will be so lonely...
So cold...

Because I feel cold and lonely,
I feel worthless

But you are worth everything so I will keep working,

Keep working, working working, untill I come near to the person you deserve to have ,...

I love you

Not good enough

What I will be writing right now is very different then I usually write. This time I will be writing about my worries because right now I am very worried and annoyed so I had to write it down to be able to handle it… Because right now at this point I am just mad, sad and lonely

Being with you everything is always perfect… I love being with you more then I love to be anywhere else in the world.. But there is always one negative downside…. 

Parents I am worrying that you’re parents thing I am not good enough… and worrying that my parents think I am not smart enough to make my own choices (knowing that one of the choices I made is to be with you… nothing will change that because I am very happy with that choice)… worrying about my parents not letting me go and making the one good thing I have in my life … being you…. Very hard to enjoy…

 My mother suddenly out of the nowhere started complaining that I wasn’t answering her questions but I was …. And now she isn’t texting back so I assume she is mad or something like that…

It is just annoying how it seems that I can’t do anything right with anybody. Everybody wants me to make different choices, have another opinion… be more like that other person… Or basicly everybody wants me to be someone else…

And I tried I tried to be what everybody asked me I changed and changed… over and over again. But nothing ever seems enough. No matter how hard I try how much I change there is always something else they think is not right. Or not how they want it to be…

But nobody ever asks me to be just me … Because no matter how much flaws I have ( yes I have many flaws) they will still love me anyhow …

But that is not how the world works everybody wants me to change ,

And it is driving me crazy !!

Why doesn’t anyone accept me the way I am.. A bitchy person, with a little heart, who will be loyal to everybody who just loves her … who deserve my trust …

But no there is always something wrong with me and no matter how hard I try…

Everybody around me will be trying harder to find my faults…

And they will succeed because I have my faults a lot of them…

So I am going crazy …. I just wished I could talk to you right now because you always know the right thing to say….

But I can’t reach you at the moment…

So now I will just be going crazy …

And hope that I won’t lash out and hurt someone I love

Because everybody  deserves the best of me no matter if they keep throwing my faults in my face…

I hope I can talk to you soon so I can calm down and find my peace again…

And feel at my place again …. 

Realization

Today I came to the realization..
It was a big one and a difficult one to realize and admit for someone like me...

I realized something that has been lingering for quiet some time now ...
You could say I have known all along,
And when i look back at the past i would need to agree..

It is just that i wasn't ready to face it...
Don't get me wrong I didn't shove it away on purpose,

I think that is the self preservation I had build up.
Therefore I have been breaking it down lately.
And i happy I did

Because now i realize that i need you,
cant live my life without you,
Wont even live my life without you if i could,
Because i wouldn't want to.

I need you by my side.
Close to me.
To hear your voice night and day.

And when I cant have you with me night and day i will cry,
For having to miss you another day.

Therefore I hope in my heart that you know...
I realize I love you.

And I hope that you realize that i don't see a live without you anymore...
I belong to you and if your not around there is simply nothing left in my life,

Then the only thing that ever made me happy and made me smile would be ripped away,
So realize I love you and belong to you as long my heart will beat,
As long as I breath air,
I will be forever yours,
Because when you would leave there simply wont be anything left.

Sadness,

Today my past catched up with me
And i couldnt hold on anymore...
Thankfully there was someone to catch me at that time...
Which i never expected anyone would...

But it took his tole...
My sadness went but in place came the loneliness

The person who caught me couldn’t bear the power of the holes in my soul…

And he sees his mistake with me …

That I am to damaged to hurt to be able to be normal..

Therefore I’m to fragile even though I mostly pretend to be this strong powerful women.

But actually all I need is to heal…

Someone to help me heal…

But at this pace I don’t think it ever will happen.

So once again I will pretend to be powerful and strong willed..

Lift my head up high… And walk through life like I have everything under control…

While loneliness comes over me and slowely eats me up at the inside….