you dont know how you touched my life....

Today is the day all I can think about is that I want you here

Need you here …

I want to hear the sound of your voice, feel your arms wrapped around me during the night .. Because that Is the only way I can sleep..

Because I know you’re the only one who will keep me safe… or at least I hope you will

Now I know the time is coming near you cannot be as much around me as before it hurts.

You’re the only thing I really want to have. And I need you beside me every night

Because I think I finally found the place where I can finally find some peace.

But that place is with you

So at the times you’re not with me the peace and the love is gone…

And I miss you every second when you’re not near..  

So be here whenever you can with me your arms wrapped around me holding me tight…

So know that wherever I am .. wherever I go your always welcome to be with me..

You always welcome to just walk in… I would never mind… I would just love to see your face

So come to my place whenever you can.. because without you it isn’t home

Because for me you are my home as soon you wrap your arms around me

It doesn’t matter where.. It the only place I want to be

So come back here soon… so I can be home again…

I miss you…. And I hope that I really am right with what I think about you.

That you will keep me save…

I think I found my destiny with you but I just hope I am not wrong…

I love you wherever you are

But be aware. .. I got hurt enough…

I am not the easiest person to be around with and I realize that…

But whenever I am putting you through hardship .. know I trust you not to hurt me…

Because for that I am still afraid…

So keep my trust and don’t hurt me please..

Because I have been hurt enough… and I can’t bear any more pain for a while …

Just know whenever I am being hard to be around

That I love you and that you have my heart…

I hope that makes it easier to put up with me…

When I am trying to become the person you want…

Just give it time… Because I love you for real so try to stick around…

Therefore please be patient with me so I can show how much…

I love you, trust you, have faith in you and want to be with you … 

guardian angel

Everybody needs someone on the journey they desire to take, everybody needs a guardian angel so to speak.

My last post went about the journey I am going to take, and the changes I want to make. But nobody can do something like that alone nobody is able to bear such heavy weight on their shoulders and get through it alone.

That’s why I blog to tell my story, so I don’t have to think that nobody will be listening. Yes I have a handful of people who love me. They aren’t with many but a handful is enough. But those people do not always understand me. Let alone that they can apprehend what I am trying to do or sadly enough some of them wouldn’t even want to hear what keeps my mind occupied. 

It is already hard to change yourself, but it is even harder when you do it for the people you love and you can see in those people that they don’t approve of you taking on such assignment. When you are trying to conquer some of your demons. 

So instead of figuring out which one would and would not approve of the road I am taking I decided to save myself a lot of heartache and just not tell anybody about it. So I don’t need to confront myself with the fact that a person I thought cared about me actually don’t.

The people who know that I am trying to better myself, know it because I trust them. But that is all they ever will know the fact I want to change, I won’t bug them with the details or how I would try to achieve anything of it.

And to be honest it is a little self-preservation as well. What if they could care less about what you’re doing. That would be hard to bear.

So that’s why I decide to battle my own demons. On my own with nobody at my side. To keep the ones that might give a damn safe from myself and the changes and hardship I am going through I don’t want to put it on their already full and difficult lives.

Because  I love them I will protect them even if that means protect them from myself…

So I will battle my demons on my own… with always one person in particular in mind why I am doing it alone and why I am changing…. You know I love you and I am trying to become a better person for you .. because you only deserve the best …. 

Only hope: Mandy Moore

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

hmmmmm, hmmmmm, oooooh.

The road ahead

Today i am afraid. Afraid that i will loose things that i hold important to me.
That i will loose the things i cherish or the person i always were.

Change isn’t always good and things have been changing in my life lately.

A lot of people have judged me and a lot of people will keep judging me.

And I know I haven’t always been the person I want to be or a good person for that matter

Or at least that is what the people around me tell me

But for the people who really know me they know I am trying

They know I am trying to become the person I always wanted to be

That I am trying to become a better person then I am right now

But the people that know me, know as well that when I cherish you and love you

There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you

Nothing I would give up to help you out

Nothing I wouldn’t do to make you feel save and cherished.

I hope those people realize that… because when the people I love see it that is enough for me.

Or not really but when the people I love see that I am trying that makes it worth all the effort that it takes to change

And I hope that one day I will reach my goal and become a better person.

So that people don’t see me as a awful person or at least not judge me like one anymore.

That the people I love and hold dear are happy to be seen with me,

Or aren’t ashamed to know me

And are happy to be around me and not be afraid to be judged by others that they hang out with me

That’s my new goal and I’m working on it but a goal like that takes time…

And I hope that anytime in the future I can say ... that I’m a good person.. I hope that time will come

And the day I will be able to say I ‘m a good person I will be happy.

Not for myself but for the people around me that I finally can be the person they deserve.

Because the people around me deserve the best I can be

So that is why I will keep working on myself, will keep trying.

No matter how hard it is or how much effort it takes or how much it will hurt me.

So that one day I can be the person the people I love deserve, and they only deserve the best

So I have a long road ahead of me and a lot of mountains to conquer … but maybe one day I will reach my destination and will become the person everybody deserves.

poets of fall: Sleep

Hear your heartbeat
Beat a frantic pace
And it's not even seven AM

You're feeling the rush
of anguish settling
You cannot help showing them in.

Hurry up then
Or you'll fall behind and
They will take control of you

And you need to heal
The hurt behind your eyes
Fickle words crowding your mind

So
Sleep, sugar, let your dreams flood in,
Like waves of sweet fire, you're safe within
Sleep, sweetie, let your floods come rushing in,
And carry you over to a new morning

Try as you might
You try to give it up
Seems to be holding on fast

It's hand in your hand
A shadow over your
A beggar for soul in your face

Still it don't matter
If you won't listen
If you won't let them follow you

You just need to heal
Make good all your lies
Move on and don't look behind

Day after day
Fickle visions
Messing with your head
Fickle, vicious
Sleeping in your bed
Messing with your head
Fickle visions
Fickle, vicious

possibilities and chances

Sometimes the things you want most are the most hard to reach…

Or if you can reach them it is not a promise that the things you want are good for you…

Or that they would want you too…

So be aware before you reach out.

And open your heart,

Before you know it is handed back to you what you give away

Or it will hurt the person you were or the person you are.

It makes a difference in your life what you choose to desire,

What you will pick as the things you want to have.

My opinion is be aware…

Be aware who you trust and give anything or a part of the real you.

Because most of the times the things you want the most will be able to hurt you the most.

So be aware who you trust and who you love…

And be aware which things you reach out for…

But if you think it is worth it don’t think about the possibility you might get hurt

Reach out and jump in

It is a part of life

And everybody knows life is taking chances.

Take a chance to love and to trust.

Don’t be held back by the possibility it could all fall apart.

Because if it doesn’t work out you at least know you tried.

I can’t imagine anything worse than living with the idea the thing you want the most slipped away because you were afraid to get hurt…

So you were too afraid to even try to reach out and grab on to the things you want

Besides being hurt is part of life… so it’s not a reason to not give something an opportunity in your life.

I do agree being hurt is awful.

But isn’t not giving something the opportunity beforehand worse?

Because maybe it is that one thing you missed your whole life.

So don’t you agree the POSSIBILITY of being hurt is all worth it?

To maybe find that one thing you wanted all your life… 

Fear

Hello Fear
Before you sit down there's something I need to explain
Since you're here
I think I should tell you since we last talked things have changed
See I'm tired of being broken-hearted
So I made a list of things that need to change,

and you're on it

So you need to disappear
All my hopes and my dreams you took from me

I will be taking those back before you leave

Hello Fear
I knew I would see you again, You have a hard time letting go
See these tears, Take a good look because, soon they won’t fall anymore
My pain is healing and fading away

Because I found my place

The seat that you took in my life now is taken by someone else

So I have no place for you anymore in my life.

I'm no longer afraid,

And you will see I'm better this way
And one more thing before you leave

Don’t come back again even though you would want to

Because I am tired of seeing you

I found love, faith, trust and pride where you once were

So you see I have no place for you

I’m a better person without you

So this is goodbye and farewell too you

I won’t see you again anymore

Or at least not very soon.