lingering thoughts

This is my first time ever that I do anything like this, write my feelings down. I never had much faith in writing, everyone could read it if they found your diary… but a blog is something else people can read it can think about it and react on what you have to say without ever having to know the real you… that makes it so much easier…

I will talk in my blog about everything pain in the past in the present. Happiness found and lost, everything that could occur in everybody’s life. So basically my blog will be the place to vent for me and talk about my day or whatnot… 

What kept me busy in my mind these past few weeks and days is the way of life. The way we don’t seem able to keep the people we love close, that we find happiness and it is taken away every time. Or that we have happiness right in front of us and don’t recognize it is there until it’s too late. That is how human nature seems to work.

 And it is simply a lie if we say it’s not hard to deal with life. Everybody at some point in their life find themselves at the point that it’s hard to get out of bed and do the simplest things. But what I keep in mind to get myself through this is the fact that after rain has to come sunshine… Yes I know it sounds like a cliché but what works that works and why look further into it right ?

These last few days I’m doing better than I have in a long time after a lot of stress…  But there is something that is still lingering on my mind…. 

So much has happened in my life… if something would happen right now I wouldn’t be able to bare it anymore… Sometimes at some moments I think I found my happiness with someone… but at others I know I didn’t find it quite yet. 

He is at the point he just (to my opinion at the very least) is not ready to let go of the past yet…. And I understand that if there is someone you loved so much it still hurt even a year later and even will hurt 15 years later…. But the problem is I don’t know if he can ever let it go more than he has already right now… and I don’t even know if I will be able to deal with that… I think I will be able to because I understands how he feels … but it’s not easy knowing the person you love still loves someone else … it’s understandable but that’s all you can say about it …

I already can hear some people thinking how could you understand he still loves someone else. Now let me explain it to you…. Everybody has a life before they find someone… he had a life before he found me… And the stuff he went through loving someone else losing that person made him who he is today… So how can I hate the fact that he loved her? I can’t… because that makes him who he is this very day, and the reason I love him is how he is today… And how could I blame him for still loving someone he gave his heart to… that just means he can’t let go and that he is the most loving person you will ever find… because I wouldn’t be able to love someone that much after the broke my heart…

But still it’s not easy to deal with or to be confronted with…. And you don’t know how you can do without that person and you don’t know how to make that person happy because you can’t help him letting go…. And now I don’t know what to say anymore so I will let it go for now.. or try to because it always stays on my thoughts…